


Holding Onto Your Heart

by standoutinacrowd



Series: For We Have Made Mistakes [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Hollstein, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor Carmilla, English Teacher Laura, F/F, Not a Typical Patient/Doctor AU, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, They Have Backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8219009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/standoutinacrowd/pseuds/standoutinacrowd
Summary: ''Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.''- Mewlana Jalaluddin RumiThis fic is based off a prompt I got on tumblr, and I liked it very much.Plus I love putting characters into my shoes, instead of as usual stepping into theirs.Disclaimer: I love these characters, and love using them for my imagination and my storytelling.I don't own them though, and do not intend to use them in a malicious way or whatever.Blah, blah. You know the drill. I feel like I should write that. But it's clear anyway.





	1. Lucky Jane Doe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.''

**3:43 am**  
  
  
It’s annoying, to say the least, when someone wakes you up from your little slumber in-between tending to your patients that are recovering in the ICU. You’re a cardio pulmonary surgeon -the only one available at this hour- in all of Silas County right now, so of course you get up -albeit with a disapproving grunt- and rinse your face with cold water to make yourself somewhat presentable.  
  
It’s November, and the accident rate always rises higher this time of year. People are too caught up in what to gift their loved ones for Christmas or what to get for the preparations of Chanukah and are more accident-prone.  
  
  
Then there is the lovely weather. Snow, snow, snow, wherever you set your eyes.  
  
  
You get to the OR to find your colleague Dr. LaFontaine working on the patient’s head trauma. They are one of the best neurosurgeons in the state and it is always an honor to be sharing an OR with them.  
  
  
“What do we have here?”, you ask the team of your co-workers that have been tending to the patient, while a nurse is finishing your preps for surgery.  
  
  
“I would guess twentysomething-year-old female Jane Doe. She got hit by a truck while on her bike. Was lucky that someone found her in time. She has suffered from severe trauma to the chest, head and extremities. Ortho already has been called in, but I need you here in case her heart stops.”  
  
  
“All I can do is try.”, is your reply as you slip into the sterile gloves the nurse holds open for you.  
  
  
You spend two hours in that OR, until the woman is somewhat stable. Her heart does stop twice on that table, and you do everything in your power to keep her alive. You literally have her heart in your grasp at one point, squeezing it with your bare hand, until the defibrillator is ready to take over that job.  
  
You decide that later on -if she doesn’t end up as vegetable- you will tell her that. It will make for good conversation, and you live for those moments with patients. The moments in which they treat you like you are some god, who rose them from the dead. And yeah, maybe being a cardio surgeon hasn’t helped with your god complex, and maybe you are a little arrogant, but it’s not your fault, when people treat you that way.  
  
  
Your ex-wife used to tell you that. She used to tell you that you came across conceited sometimes. That you came across like you knew so much better, and that you were addicted to the feeling of being needed. Ironically she is the only person that made you feel like you weren’t needed.  
  
  
The day she left you still burns in the back of your mind. What she said to you still a sting to your heart.  
  
  
_I didn’t marry an arrogant bitch that doesn’t even have time for her wife. I can’t do this anymore. I’m leaving you._

 

* * *

  
  
_It definitely hadn’t been love at first sight. Nor at second. More like affection at the hundredth time looking at each other. Finding something beautiful in the other, when staring at them for the five hundredth time. And eventually falling in love, when each of them knew the other like the back of their hand. (Which was inevitable, because they were roommates in college.)_  
  
  
_“I’m glad you finally decided to say yes to getting dinner with me.”, Carmilla commented on their first date -the first one Laura agreed to._  
  
_“I was thinking, and came to the conclusion that it is not very wise to say no to a free meal.”_  
  
_The dark haired girl leaned forwards, “I always pay for our food, whenever it’s just you and me. Pick a better explanation for being here, Hollis.”_  
  
_Laura acted like she was coming up with a reason, but then leaned back in her chair. A smug look taking over her face._  
  
_“Maybe I’m enjoying a night in which it is not your agenda to antagonize me, but to please me, Carmilla.”_  
  
_The brunette’s face broke into a smile and she let out a delightful laugh, “Oh, I will do whatever you like to please you, sweetheart.”_  
  
  
_Later on that night, when both of their limb bodies settled into the sheets of Laura’s bed, the blonde smiled to herself before drifting off to sleep._  
  
_Maybe a love that’s not apparent at first, but slowly and steadily creeps into ones heart (and soul) was the best kind of love._  
  
_It felt like Carmilla had been a part of her long before Laura admitted to her own feelings for her._

 

* * *

  
  
“Carmilla, you did a great job last Friday. We are expecting full recovery on our patient… **If** she wakes up.”, LaFontaine tells you, when they walk by to end their shift.  
  
Of course you know who they are talking about, “I actually meant to check on her… Did our Jane Doe turn out to have a name?”  
  
“Yeah- It’s Laura Hollis. Twentynine-year-old teacher. Her father came by on Sunday, and hasn’t really left ever since.”  
  
The clatter of the kidney dish holding the sterile instruments you wanted to use to remove stitches on one of your patients in the ICU sounds in the hallway of the hospital. Some pairs of eyes follow the contents rolling around on the floor.  
  
All you can do is stand still, and you think you are the one in need of a cardio surgeon right now.  
  
Too bad that you are the only one in this hospital at this hour, because yes, you cut down your hours, but in order to do that without giving up the grand pay, you work the night shifts.  
  
  
  
**307**  
  
  
You wait in front of her room. Not daring to enter, because the horror of knowing who she is clenches on your chest. It weighs you down, it’s like the last splash of waves in a violent sea, before you decide you can only succumb and drown.  
  
You see _him_ through the glass window. There he is, your ex-father-in-law, holding his daughter’s hand. Your ex-wife’s hand. That you are itching to hold right now.  
  
It’s her luck that you didn’t pay attention to her face a week ago. Because maybe you wouldn’t have been able to perform surgery on her. Maybe you wouldn’t have been able to fix the tear in her left upper pulmonary lobe. The one that was so hard to reach, because her generous heart that once was so full of love for you made it hard for you to work around it.  
  
Of course she would make it hard for you to work around her heart. When it’s the one thing that always made you weak in the knees and second-guess every little decision you had to make in regards to your job and life.

 

* * *

  
  
_“When did your choice fall to thoracic surgery? All this time you were talking about wanting to settle down, with your own practice, being away from all the hospital hours…”, Laura confronted her girlfriend one day._  
  
_“I don’t know… I always thought I wasn’t talented enough for surgery… But the Anatomy course I took this year was a great insight into it, and my professor told me that I was good at the manual work…”_  
  
_“But you’d be away all the time. You’d be working inhumane hours at the hospital.”_  
  
_Carmilla looked up from the textbook she’d been studying in the last hour. Seeing a look of displease on her lover’s face._  
  
_“Laura, baby, it’s not even definite. I will probably change my subject five times before settling down on one. Who knows… Maybe I’ll end up as a pediatrician.”_  
  
_The blonde laid down on the bed next to Carmilla, “Yeah? You and kids? I’d pay to see that.”_  
  
_“I could be great with kids, you don’t know my hidden talents. You never saw me with one.”_  
  
_“Yeah, but you calling them annoying little brats whenever we pass by the playground is an indicator.”, Laura laughed and placed her head on Carmilla’s shoulder to read along the medical terms she didn’t understand anyway. It was soothing sometimes, to watch her girlfriend study._  
  
_And endlessly sexy too, because at the end of the day Laura got to quiz the other girl, which often led to… Distractions._

 

* * *

  
  
“I thought I saw a ghost, some days ago. But it turns out that it’s really you.”, is what _he_ tells you on day 13, when you finally decide to show up beside her bed with a huge bouquet of daisies.  
  
  
Her favorite flowers.  
  
You remember. Of course you remember.  
  
You ordered hundreds of them for when you proposed to her seven years ago.  
  
  
“Sherman.”, you nod towards him and place the flowers right beside her bed, where Laura’s favorite book is placed neatly with a bookmark.  
  
Her father reads to her. Much in the fashion of reading to children, whenever they can’t sleep. Except he is trying to get her to do the opposite thing.  
  
  
**Waking up.**  
  
  
You know, because it’s been your inner chant ever since you found out who she was.  
  
  
_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. You need to wake up._

 

* * *

  
  
_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Carmilla.”, Sherman Hollis said, when he met his daughter’s girlfriend at last._  
  
_They had been dating for a little over a year, when Carmilla finally got to meet Laura’s only parent._  
  
_It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t want to (okay, she was a little hesitant and terrified to meet him), but also there was this obstacle called schedule of a med student. And really, there were several other factors to play in that matter._  
  
_“Likewise, Sir. Laura has been telling me so much about you.”_  
  
  
_It fit, the English student thought later, when she came home with her lover._  
  
_She’d found the perfect match. Someone that respected her father._  
  
_Someone that her father finally approved of after years of dating history._  
  
_Carmilla was a good catch after all. An aspiring medical student with a bright future._  
  
_Who wouldn’t fall for someone like that?_

 

* * *

  
  
She awakes on day 19.  
  
When her father isn’t in, because for the last few days he has been deciding to go home and sleep in his own bed.  
  
The nurses tell you right away, because you are one of the doctors that operated on her.  
  
Dr. LaFontaine’s having their off day and you don’t mind tending to her at all. You don’t mind that it’s you who will be with her in her first few hours of being back with the living.  
  
When you get to room 307, the first sight is her panicked stare, and you try to calm her down.  
  
  
“Laura, Laura, Laura... Everything’s alright, you’ve been in an accident. But you’re okay. You’re safe. You need to calm down, okay? I know being intubated and awake is very unpleasant, but you need to calm down, in order for me to remove the tube, yeah? Can you do that?”  
  
  
She nods, and her right hand that is not bound in a cast finds your forearm and she gets a tight hold on you. Her eyes widen and you think she recognizes you.  
  
  
This is a good sign.  
  
  
She drifts into unconsciousness much too soon, but you don’t leave her side. You don’t let her wake up in an empty room again.  
  
  
The second time she opens her eyes, they dart to you instantly. You are up in a heartbeat and pour her some water for her sore throat. She accepts with a smile, and you help her sit up, careful not to move her too much. The wound on her head has healed very nicely, you can see the handiwork of Dr. LaFontaine and can tell they did a very good job.  
  
  
She doesn’t say anything, and neither do you, but you slip your hand in hers, and take the cup from her, when she’s finished drinking and you think you are content like this.  
  
  
Laura woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the nice quotes are from Rumi. I got a new book, and it is so beautiful the way he writes about love.  
> So I searched out quotes that fit to each chapter, and now I advise you to go read some of his poetry.  
> Especially when you're in love or if you're a lonesome soul like me, but also have masochistic traits.


	2. Recoveries are Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.''

Not many days go by before the cast on her left arm gets removed. It was only a small fracture in her ulna.  
  
_Healing time 4-6 weeks._  
  
Laura always was an overachiever, so of course it only takes 25 days for her bone to heal.  
  
A physiotherapist comes by regularly to do some exercises with her to regain her arm strength. As a teacher one needs both of their arms, and you remember Laura to be a big gesturer, when talking about Literature and reciting historic texts. Or when arguing with you.  
  
  
Laura’s head injury on the other hand has put her Broca’s areal -the region that is essential for talking properly- on her temporal lobe into shock.  
  
Which shouldn’t be so surprising, but for someone who talks like it’s the only thing worth living for it’s not easy to cope with. You and Dr. LaFontaine have tried to walk her through it. Have tried to tell her that it can take some time, before she can talk fluidly again, without all the stammering and the not being able to recall how to form coherent sentences, but she gave up trying to communicate through stuttering and let her father bring her a notebook and a pen.  
  
She is the kind of woman who is headstrong and always wants to do on her own, and when obstacles place themselves in her path, she finds a way to skate around it.  
  
It’s easier like that, because in the first few days after she awoke, she was too out of it to really comprehend that you are there, and now that she does acknowledge your presence, and you know for sure that she remembers who you are, it’s very convenient for you that she can’t utter her inner thoughts the way she wants to, and she hasn’t even tried to engage you in a conversation through her notebook about that.  
  
You can live with that.  
  
She will be in the hospital for another few weeks -tops- and then you both can go on in your lives.  
  
Although you’re not so sure about the _how_ , but you will manage. As long as you know she is safe, everything will be okay.

 

* * *

  
  
_“Carm, where are you taking me?”, the young English student giggled. She couldn’t see, because her view was obstructed by her lover’s hand._  
  
_“Shhh, all in due time, baby.”_  
  
_They took several steps into a big hall that was only illuminated with candles and Carmilla led her girlfriend to the middle of it, where a heart shaped out of flower arrangements was awaiting them. She stepped into it, guiding Laura so that she wouldn’t mess anything up, and uncovered the blonde’s eyes._  
  
_Laura needed some time to get used to the lighting, but when her eyes wandered around the room full of daisies and candles, a look of surprise struck across her features._  
  
_“Carm, what are you-”, when the blonde tried to match her lover’s gaze, she already found her on her knees._  
  
_“I know, we are young. I know that you wanted to get settled and get a job, finish university and all that before even thinking of it, but I don’t want to wait. I probably will be stuck in medschool for 3 more years, and you’ll finish in a few months with college. I don’t want us to wait for me. I want the certainty, Laura. I love you, and the past three years have shown me that you’re always gonna be by my side, you always will be the one I want -no matter what. So what do you say? Will you marry me?”_  
  
_Laura’s eyes were filled with tears, as she wiped them away with a watery laugh._  
  
_“Yes!”_

 

* * *

  
  
It has become a routine that half an hour before you start your duty you go to check up on _her_. Usually there always is a friend or her father with her, so you just check up on vitals and then proceed to leave. You tell yourself that you are needed, even though the only reason for you to go there is your own need to see her. It’s your own want to see that beautiful face you fell in love with, and never fell out of.  
  
On the days you don’t work -which there are 2-3 each week- you miss her. It’s odd, how easy it is for Laura to creep her way into your cold heart again. Before she came into the picture you were this distanced and aloof surgeon that knows how to work on patients. However people tend to say your social skills outside of the hospital are lacking.  
  
For instance the fact that Dr. LaFontaine is the only colleague you tolerate in your near vicinity. You would call them your friend.  
  
  
So on day 30, when you get to room 307 and there are no other people that are around, you feel a little uncomfortable.  
  
  
Remember? Your social skills that go outside of the usual smalltalk field are lacking.  
  
And Laura never was one to get satisfied with redundant talks about weather.  
  
Fortunate for you that she still cannot work her brain to talk properly.  
  
  
It looks as though she has been awaiting you. When you walk closer to her bed, where her chart is clipped to the railing, she sits up a bit. It fills you with joy that she can move on her own. Slowly and steadily there is great progress to observe on her.  
  
You fiddle with the stethoscope in your hand -a black Littmann Master Cardiology- that has your name engraved in it, and that _she_ got for you on your twenty-fifth birthday. Laura understands, and opens up the buttons on her hospital gown to give you access.  
  
The fabric falls over her shoulders and exposes her chest, just barely covering anything you shouldn’t see as her ex-wife, and you clutch the stethoscope tighter. However when you see the beginning of the scar on her sternum, your brain shifts into patient mode.  
  
You place the diaphragm of the stethoscope on her chest and try to listen to her heart. She inhales sharply when the cold surface comes in contact with her warm skin, and you try to block everything out. Her heart and lungs sound good -except for the fact that her heart rate is a little too fast. You look up and find her staring at you with her piercing eyes.  
  
  
“It…”, she licks her lips and you see her jaw move a few times, before she tries again, “It’s g-g-good to see… **You**.”  
  
Laura is starting to get better at it. You grin at her -the most sincere one that came across your face in the last few months probably- and reply, “You too. Gotta say, I’d rather you were safe and snug in your home, than here in this hospital bed, but I’m glad you’re okay.”  
  
You’re so, so, so endlessly glad she is alive and awake.  
  
A warm smile blooms across her lips, and before you get swallowed by the past, you avert your eyes to the scar on her chest, “It’s healing nicely. And the one on your head too. You almost can’t even see it. No one’s gonna be able to tell.”  
  
Nothing could taint her beauty anyways. If anything the scar on her chest makes her more beautiful.  
  
Your ex-wife nods slowly, and you take her chart and start scribbling down the things you checked, and observe her medication record. You are a little extra, when it comes to her -you know that much- but she’s the love of your life after all, and you’ll take care of her as best and as long as you can.  
  
Because out there you aren’t allowed to anymore. Here you have the power to simply do that.  
  
  
“I’ll check up on you again tomorrow.”, is what you say without looking in her direction.  
  
You feel her eyes on your back, when you retreat into the save haven that is your working place.

 

* * *

  
  
_“Hold still, sweetheart.”, Carmilla commanded her wife softly, when she flinched._  
  
_“You know that I hate needles, Carm.”_  
  
_“I know, I know, but this is a deep cut. I need to stitch it up. Is the anaesthetic not doing its job?”_  
  
_Laura shook her head, “No, it’s fine. I don’t feel anything, it’s just the visuals that coax this kind of rea- Ow.”_  
  
_The brunette looked up with a small grin, “Just a little while longer. I’ll reward you for being such a brave girl.”_  
  
_“Mhm, I just hope I can use my right hand properly again, when school starts next week. Teaching without being able to use my dominant hand will show itself challenging.”_  
  
_“Oh whatever will **I** do, if the full functionality of this great, great hand won’t come back?”, Carmilla mocked and placed several kisses on said thing._  
  
_“You’re so gross!”, the blonde just then realized that her lover had stopped stitching up her hand, “Wait, are you done?”_  
  
_“Yep. Record time.”_  
  
_“Wow, you really **are** great at this. No wonder you got the residency spot for surgery.”_

 

* * *

  
  
You don’t think about it. There is no one to remind you, no one waiting at home for you to show up and spend those days with them anyways.  
  
So on day 35, when you walk into Laura’s room to find it decorated with a small plastic tree and red and golden garlands, you don’t even bat an eye, because the whole hospital has been puked on by the so-called Christmas fairies.  
  
Glitter here, glitter there, you don’t care. (Maybe you could get into poetry?)  
  
Laura’s eyes find yours immediately and her curly friend that has been talking to her, before you showed up, excuses herself so that you can check up on her in peace.  
  
  
“Merry Christmas eve, Carm-illa.”  
  
“Uh…”, you check your watch to find that it is indeed the 24th of December, “Merry Christmas.”  
  
Laura’s brows furrow for a second, before she swallows and continues, “Still not so g-g-good with important dates, are you?”  
  
You check her pupil reaction -even though you’re sure Dr. LaFontaine did it earlier on their neuro check-up, and then gesture for her to open up her shirt for you to be able to auscultate her heart.  
  
“I have no one that will celebrate with me anyway, so.”, you shrug and concentrate on the pumping organ in her chest.  
  
You try to ignore her pitiful face. You don’t want pity, especially not from _her_.  
  
  
It has become harder to be with her, because a _talking Laura_ makes for a _feeling Carmilla_.  
  
And you’re not ready to go down that road again. She is recovering nicely, and you know you should just be happy about that.  
  
  
“I’ll see you again soon.”, is what has become your standard sentence when leaving.  
  
“Wait!”, she screams after you, before you can escape.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“When- When you’re not busy- We sh-ould talk. Catch up.”


	3. You Never Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love."

“Why didn’t you tell me that you knew Laura?”, is what your colleague, the neurosurgeon asks you on day 37.  
  
“Because… I didn’t think it was important.”, you offer with a shrug.  
  
“She’s your **ex-wife**. Come on, Karnstein! I thought we were pals. Gotta tell me those kinds of things.”  
  
“Oh, do I now?”, you give them an unimpressed look.  
  
Every other person would turn it into their drama, telling you how hurtful you can be and all that shit you don’t need in your life, but LaFontaine knows how to take your mood swings. That’s another reason why you like them.  
  
“She sure as hell doesn’t stop asking about you, whenever I’m in checking up on her.”, they grin.  
  
“Ever heard of patient confidentiality? You’re not supposed to tell me that.”, you roll your eyes at them.  
  
“Yeah, but she is **our** patient. I can talk about her with _you_. Seriously, you should go check up on her. She’d like to see you. It’s not everyday that a beautiful patient would be happy to see you.”

 

* * *

  
  
_Carmilla was late. Not 11pm at night late, but more like 1am in the morning late. She hadn’t expected her wife to be up, but was surprised when she found the light in the kitchen turned on._  
  
_The dark haired woman approached the other one from behind, just to see that Laura was about to throw away food._  
  
  
_“Shit… Did you make dinner and wait for me? I’m sorry, a 58 year old double by-pass came in, and they needed all the pairs of hands that were available tonight.”_  
  
_Laura didn’t respond. She silently was stacking dishes into the dishwasher._  
  
  
_“I’m sorry Laura, please talk to me…”_  
  
  
_“Do you know what date it is?”_  
  
_Carmilla didn’t understand. She checked her wristwatch, “June 13.”_  
  
_“Well yeah **now** it is. And yesterday?”_  
  
_The surgeon to-be frowned, but slowly it dawned on her, “Fuck!”_  
  
_“You didn’t only miss our first wedding anniversary, but you also forgot.”, Laura scoffed, “Oh Carmilla, you are so sleeping in the guest room tonight.”_  
  
_“Laura-”, the brunette tried to stop her wife from going upstairs into their shared bedroom._  
  
_The blonde though yanked her hand away, so that Carmilla wouldn’t be successful, “Clean yourself up, Carm. You look like shit. Good night.”_

 

* * *

  
  
You get her daisies on day 39.  
  
It’s Friday and your day off. You choose to catch her from 2-4pm, because that is the time her father never is around. Yes, you crazy fool know those things.  
  
When you walk in, you see Laura reading in her favorite book. She sets it aside the moment you enter room 307 and takes in your presence.  
  
  
“I didn’t expect _you_ … And not at this time… You’re here early.”, is what she remarks.  
  
“It’s my day off…”, you explain, gesturing towards your clothes, “That’s why I’m not wearing any scrubs or lab coats today.”  
  
“Oh yeah.”, she nods in recognition.  
  
  
You walk in further, placing the flowers on the window sill of her small room, and stand by her side.  
  
  
“How are you feeling? Did the nurses check your blood pressure?”, you ogle her up and down meticulously, “Did they check your blood stats? Is there any development? Anything I should be informed about?”  
  
Laura smiles. The one beautiful smile that once was reserved only for you.  
  
“I’m sure everyone knows how to do their job, Carmilla. You’re not the only doctor. Even though you are a big deal around here.”  
  
“I’m **not** a big- Hey, wait… You’re talking fluently.”, you notice.  
  
“Yeah. It’s been going for a while now.”, she explains and there is something unsaid behind that statement.  
  
_You would have known, if you had come by sooner._  
  
You ignore that though, “I was starting to worry that Laura Hollis would remain a stammering mess all her life. That would have been tragic.”  
  
Laura giggles and you can only join her in her laughter.  
  
How joyous she seems.  
  
She appears to be so young like this. Not jaded and tired of the life she was stuck in, when _you two_ were still together.  
  
That’s how you remember her when she was your wife still. Exhausted.  
  
You briefly consider that it really was _you_ alone that broke her at the end of your marriage. It breaks your heart to think of that.  
  
  
“I’m actually shocked that you have off. What happened to _Miss Workaholic_?”, she asks around a softer smile.  
  
You sit down beside her on a chair and begin to rub your temple, before snorting out a laugh, “Five years change a lot, darling.”  
  
“Then tell me about it. I have time y’know?”  
  
  
And you do.

 

* * *

  
  
_“Do you know, how much I love you?”, Carmilla panted out into the darkness, her wife’s hands tugging at her hair in an attempt to have her closer to where she needed her.  
  
Finally, when she had her there, she clutched at the air, her own skin on her stomach, then the sheets of their bed. She needed something to hold onto._  
  
  
_“Shh- Stop talking while I’m trying to- Ohmigod-”_  
  
_Laura’s body went slack, her thighs a trembling mess, her toes curling in the satin sheets of their bed, hands desperately trying to grasp at something.  
  
**Anything**._  
  
_In a beat Carmilla intertwined the fingers of her left hand with the searching ones of Laura._ _Telling her in silence that she was there. For once she was._  
  
  
_The dark haired woman crawled back up, meeting her lover’s gaze._  
  
  
_“I love you.”_  
  
_Laura was still a little out of it, the oxygen coming short in that moment._  
  
_A lazy grin spread around her lips, and she brought Carmilla down to meet her mouth in a thankful kiss._  
  
_“I love you. I love you. I love you. So, so much.”, the brunette professed her feelings for that woman again and again in whispers for only her to hear._  
  
_Laura didn’t say it back. Not that Carmilla expected her to reciprocate, but there was something the blonde was thinking. Something between them had changed.  
  
Just as Carmilla was about to ask, if everything was alright-_  
  
  
_“I miss you, when you’re off to work.”_  
  
_It clenched on Carmilla’s heart, “Yeah? ...I’m here, Laura. See? I’m here.”_  
  
  
_The teacher nodded, and swallowed thickly, before propping herself up on an elbow, smiling devilishly, “I don’t care if you have to work in a few hours, you’re mine tonight.”_  
  
_Carmilla chuckled, “Not complaining. Not the tiniest bit.”, before she found herself in a searing kiss in her lover’s tight embrace.  
  
And Laura tried so desperately to hold on. Because she needed something to hold onto.  
_

 

* * *

  
  
On day 47 she gets released.  
  
You help her father fill out all the paperwork, while Dr. LaFontaine checks Laura’s neuro status. They give you the okay with an affirming nod and you write down some prescriptions for pain meds.  
  
  
“I was married to a doctor for 2 years, I still remember those things, Carm.”, is how she interrupts you, when you’re elaborating to her how to take which pill.  
  
It stings to be reminded of that, and she too frowns at her own words for a second.  
  
You don’t get sidetracked though, “Just don’t take Diclofenac without gastric protection. I remember how sensitive your stomach’s always been. And don’t take the Ultram unless it’s really bad okay? And don’t drive when on them- Although you won’t be able to anyway… **Just** … Call the hospital if you have any questions, okay?”  
  
Laura’s expression changes from a tad bit amused to something else, but you don’t pay much mind to it.  
  
Instead you regard her father with eye-contact, “She needs to get out, yeah? Don’t you baby her, Sir. For her femoral fracture to heal completely it is essential that she trains the muscles in that region. We need the stability, so the bone can heal properly, okay? Take her to walks, she can manage with her crutches. Go to the physiotherapy with her regularly.”  
  
Sherman approaches you and envelops you in a hug, “I’ve always liked you, Carmilla. Thanks for taking such good care of my baby girl.”, then he draws back, “You know- Why don’t you… Why don’t you come by the house some time?”, you can only nod in acceptance.  
  
It’s not like you’ll see him again. You can humor him with the prospect of that ever happening.  
  
  
“Uhhh… Dad! Could you ask _me_ too, before you decide something like that?”, Laura interrupts him, and you direct your stare at her.  
  
“Honey, _no one_ asked **you** to join us. I can have a talk and a meal with my daughter-in-law whenever I please.”, he scoffs and you try to hold back your laughter.  
  
“ **Ex** -daughter-in-law… I-…”, she stops herself, “Nevermind... Thank you, Carmilla. For everything.”, Laura utters before you nod once again, turn around and vanish through the doors of her room.  
  
You go away before the good bye becomes too heavy, even though you tell yourself that you saw something.  
  
  
The moment you step out you feel the cold envelop you.  
  
Her warmth is gone.  
  
  
And you don’t see her for the entirety of 5 months after that.

 

* * *

  
  
_“I can’t believe we’re 25 minutes late. For **our own** party!”, Laura groaned, while she was fixing her lipstick in a small mirror. Carmilla was driving a 70 instead of the allowed 40 mph._  
  
_“Sorry. I can’t help that a patient collapsed right in front of me. What was I supposed to do? Walk away?”_  
  
_“No- But why do **you** always find yourself in those situations? I mean, where are the others? Why do all the other residents get out on a reasonable time, but you always are there to save the day? What about that is fair?”_  
  
_“I’m sorry that my job is so inconvenient for you. You know, there are people that rely on me. At my work, there are people that are thankful for what I do. At home all I hear are your complaints.”_  
  
_“What…?”, the blonde scoffed, “You want an award now for doing your job? What about your duties as my wife? What about being here for **me**? It seems like all those other people are more important to you than I am!”_  
  
_“Come on, Laura… What, are you a child now? I’m sorry I didn’t make it in time for our reservation… God forbid, **Carmilla is twenty minutes late** …”, she mocked, “I’m a doctor not some teacher that has scheduled hours like you. You- You know what? I sometimes think you don’t understand me at all.”_  
  
_The blonde snorted out a laugh, “Right. I forgot that you are the praised hero surgeon, and I’m just **some teacher**.”_  
  
_Carmilla covered Laura’s resting hand on the middle console of her car, “That’s **not** what I meant, you know that-”_  
  
_Her wife drew back, “Just- Just drive, Carmilla. Please. Just- Concentrate on that. I don’t wanna argue right now.”, she gestured towards the street, before crossing her arms in front of her chest._

 

* * *

  
  
It’s your day off. On a June, 12.  
  
Usually on those days you do your taxes. Or go grocery shopping. But today you go through your wedding album.  
  
Laura left everything, when she moved out of the house. It’s like she did it on purpose.  
  
_To leave you a reminder of what you lost._  
  
The day she left, she took the fire in your heart, the light in your eyes, the smile from your lips.  
  
It feels like yesterday, when you look at the pictures of you two saying _‘yes’_ to one another. You look so happy. You were so young and so in love. Still are.  
  
Marriage always meant a huge deal to Laura. Of course you too have your romantic beliefs, but she always believed in a soulmate, she believed it to be you.  
  
You can’t comprehend that you ever let her doubt it.  
  
That it ever came this far.  
  
Now you are in a house you bought for the both of you to live in, pets and children to fill it with, memories to make in, parties to be had in -but you screwed it all up.  
  
Regret has been one of the key emotions in your life in the past few years, and you hadn’t realized it until you saw her again all those months ago in the hospital. She looked so weak, and you wanted to fix her, and at the same time found some consolation in the fact that you at least could do a good job on that matter. Even though it was only in the medical field. You will probably never be able to fix what you broke between the two of you.  
  
And it eats you alive every day of your life that you have to spend without her.

 

* * *

  
  
_For once Carmilla made it home before Laura. She wanted to surprise her wife. They had been distant as of late, and the brunette wanted to fix that. Laura needed to know, how much she loved her. Needed to know that despite all of the hours, she still was the most important thing in Carmilla’s world._  
  
_The blonde walked into their house. She was going over some bills, not even noticing the other woman, before the voice of her partner startled her._  
  
  
_“Hey beautiful.”_  
  
_Laura’s eyes went wide, “Carm… What are you doing here?”_  
  
_Carmilla smirked and approached her lover, “Cooking. For you.”  
  
The dark haired woman placed a quick kiss on her wife’s cheek, before Laura’s _ _expression changed from that of surprise to incredulity._  
  
  
_“But it’s 2. You’re usually at work by now.”_  
  
_“Ah, I took over the morning shift, and left soon after you. Handler was there today, so I could get out after some hours of uselessly standing in the way.”_  
  
  
_“Did something huge happen? Promotion? Death? Why are you doing this?”_  
  
_“Do I need an occasion to spend some time with my wife?”_  
  
  
_Laura furrowed her brows, “ **Yeah** , you usually do.”_  
  
_The doctor sighed, “Can’t you just sit down and be happy about it? I’m doing something for **you** , you know?”_  
  
_The blonde smiled bitterly, “Yeah. That’s the point, Carm. You always act like it is such a bother for you to do something with me. It’s such an inconvenience to have a wife at home, isn’t it? Who wants your attention? Who’s bugging you about wanting to spend time together? You know what? If you’d rather be at work, then go. **You don’t have to do something for me.** ”_  
  
_Carmilla quirked up an eyebrow. It was a challenge._  
  
_Some years ago she would have apologized and told Laura the opposite. How she loved being around her. Laura just needed to hear that what she thought wasn’t true. She needed Carmilla to contradict._  
  
_But now Carmilla was tired. She scoffed, and turned down the stove, before walking past Laura.  
  
  
“If you insist. I’ll go.”_  
  
_“If you leave now, Carmilla… I swear-”, the teacher started._  
  
  
_“You know what? I really rather would be at work than be here with you. See you **whenever**.”, is what Laura heard, before the door was shut with a loud bang._  
  
  
_And the blonde broke down in their kitchen._

 

* * *

  
  
You’re on your porch, incredulously looking at the woman standing opposite to you.  
  
  
“Hi.”, is what she says. It’s been almost half a year since you last saw her. She’s glowing.  
  
The sun does her skin good, her hair is lighter and wavier than you remember.  
  
You’re surprised, and dumbfounded and all shades of shocked.  
  
  
“Hey? What are you doing here?”, is your reasonable question.  
  
“You never came by.”, Laura states.  
  
When your brows furrow and you make it obvious that you don’t know what she means, she elaborates.  
  
“When my dad invited you over… You never came.”  
  
  
It dawns on you, but your frown grows.  
  
“I thought you didn’t want to see me.”  
  
  
You remember everything about her, and you know her fairly well. Like the back of your hand.  
  
So you know what the little crinkle between her brows means, and the slight upwards curled lips.  
  
“Of course I wanted to see you.”, she is telling the truth.  
  
To say you hadn’t expected that answer from her is an understatement.  
  
  
“Well now you saw me… Uhm- Do you want to come in for a coffee?”, you gesture inside.  
  
  
And the way she nods overly excited melts your heart.  
  
**Goddamnit.** You thought you were over _it_.  
  
  
“I would really like that, Carm.”


	4. I am Healed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill, let yourself fall ill.”

Laura walks around the kitchen like she knows everything. Granted, you haven’t changed much, but still.  
  
Actually you haven’t changed anything around the house. To preserve _her_ presence. There are only things that you added.  
  
The sugar still sits at the counter, where all the cooking utensils are. The cookies still are stored away neatly in the back corner of the designated snack cupboard, as if she still were living here, and you have to do that in order for her not to think about them too much and eating all of them at once. _You might be tiny and fit, but diabetes is an issue, sweetheart._ And she apparently still hasn’t stopped.  
  
She also knows where to find the coffee capsules for your coffee machine. The one _she_ got you for all the late night study sessions back in university. It’s one of the few things from when you still were roommates that survived. The rest is either at her home or has been replaced in the course of time.  
  
Her movements are fluid and you almost can see over the fact that she has been at your hospital just half a year ago with injuries that a lot of people wouldn’t be able to recover from.  
  
  
“I actually was at your work before coming here. It’s still surreal to know you also take off on some days, Carm.”, is what she says after biting into the first cookie.  
  
  
You don’t say anything in response to that. You leave it as it is.  
  
  
An observation. Of something you should have changed years ago.  
  
Back when it wasn’t too late to spend your free hours at home with someone waiting for you.  
  
With your wife. Your family. Because Laura had become your family. The family you never really had until you met Laura.

 

* * *

  
  
_Laura came home very late. It was her wife’s turn to wait up for her for once._  
  
  
_“Where were you?”_  
  
_Carmilla’s figure was sitting stiffly on their shared bed. Waiting for her lover to arrive._  
  
_The blonde jumped a bit, “Gosh, Carm. You scared me. Sorry if I woke you up. I didn’t think you’d be home so soon.”_  
  
_“It’s 1 in the morning.”_  
  
_There was a certain calmness in Carmilla’s voice. **Dangerous.**_  
  
_Laura made her way to the dresser and got rid of the shirt she was wearing, working through her pile of clothes in search of a top to wear to bed. Carmilla was suddenly standing behind her and spun her around so that she would have to face her._  
  
_“ **Where. Were. You?** ”, the brunette gritted her teeth, but there was a blank expression on Laura’s face._  
  
_“ **Out.** ”_  
  
_“Out **where**?”, the doctor smelled alcohol on her wife’s breath._  
  
_“ **Out,** out. Since when do I need to check in with you, when I wanna go out?”_  
  
_“You’re never out at this time- I came home tonight, and you were gone! Do you know what kind of horrible things went through my mind? You could have been god knows where! I was worried! I called you a dozen times!”_  
  
_Laura furrowed her brows, “I left my phone in my car and didn’t check it before I drove home. Sorry.”_  
  
_“Did you drive drunk? Tell me, you didn’t drive here drunk.”, Carmilla couldn’t believe what she was hearing._  
  
_“I’m **not** drunk.”_  
  
_“I can smell the alcohol on your breath… I have patients like that all the time. A drunk guy drove into a tree some days ago and he didn’t survive, Laura. Can you imagine what I would do, if you would die? Can you imagine?”_  
  
_Laura scoffed and turned around again, she still hadn’t found something to wear to bed._  
  
  
_“What?”, she heard her wife ask from behind._  
  
_“As if you would notice, if I wasn’t here…”, the blonde challenged._  
  
_“What’s that supposed to-”_  
  
_Laura was facing her again in a heartbeat, “I’ve been out at this time for most of the days in the past couple of weeks, Carmilla. You just happened to notice it tonight, because for once you came home before I did.”_  
  
  
_Carmilla was speechless. All they ever did was argue. Being silent seemed to be so much better._  
  
_And that’s when it dawned on her how broken their marriage was._  
  
_But she loved Laura, she really did._  
  
_It was just hard._  
  
  
_Carmilla talked herself into it. Marriage was hard. They were young. Of course it would be harder on them. It would pass away. This was just a difficult time._  
  
_The first seven years of marriage were supposed to be hard, but after that it would get better. Laura was married at the tender age of 23. Carmilla was 26. They were just having a rough patch at the moment, the dark haired woman told herself._  
  
_Everything would be alright again. Soon, she told herself. Everything would be okay again._  
  
_Carmilla didn’t want to realize that their marriage was in the ruins for a very long time by then._

 

* * *

  
  
“I’m very proud of you Laura.”, you say around a smile, when she tells you about her job.  
  
She has been in grad school for a PhD programme in English Literature, and simultaneously was teaching teenagers at the local high school. Now she is doing her professorship and teaching college students as an assistant professor at the university you attended.  
  
“Thanks… I never thought I’d make it on my own after _the_ …”, she trails off and catches your eyes. You both stare at each other in sweet agony of the unspoken words, “ **Anyways** , I’m also glad _you_ turned out to be a cardio goddess. Just like you always wanted. You got everything you ever wanted.”  
  
You avert your eyes to your cup of coffee. The liquid has long turned cold, but you take a sip anyway.  
  
“Yes. _Almost_ everything.”, you don’t see the need to be subtle. You never were subtle about wanting her.  
  
Laura takes in a sharp breath and you study her. It still is so very easy to read her, but at the same time the nuances in what one thinks and how people interpret it can turn most situations into something else.     
  
You know her fairly well, but you **don’t**.  
  
  
“I’ve been thinking…”, she begins, and licks her lips just the way she does, when she’s nervous.  
  
You blatantly stare at her mouth. Of course she notices, and stops with the sweet torture of your eyeballs.  
  
“… That **uh** \- You know, we’ve been friends _before_ …”, there’s a lot of gesturing on her side.  
  
“Before the doomed relationship and broken marriage?”, you help her out.  
  
She deflates a bit in her position on your couch (the one she picked out, because it matched with the wall paintings), and nods slowly, “Yeah… **That.** And five years of radio silence have been enough as it is-”  
  
“Were we though?”, you interrupt her.  
  
  
Laura frowns at you, “Were we _what_?”  
  
“Friends?”  
  
“Weren’t we?”, your ex-wife inquires in wonder.  
  
You shake your head, “I was always into you. And you always knew. That’s where all of that squirming and pining came from.”  
  
“What?”, Laura mocks, and it’s easy to fall into a light mood right from dead serious with her, because she is that simple (and also she is not), “There was **no** squirming…”, she considers it, “Okay fine, but there was _no pining_. I did **not** pine.”  
  
“I meant myself with the pining part.”, you clarify and Laura raises an eyebrow. She got that from you. At least some things can’t be unlearned it seems. Some traits you pick up from someone get incorporated within you. Especially when you were together with that person for six years.  
  
“ **Whatever.** What I’m trying to say is… When I was in the hospital, I saw how you cared for me, and I remembered why I fell in love with you. I mean, we were good once. And we can’t be just limited to that one type of relationship. You mean a lot to me, Carmilla, and I know that this is totally random after five years, but I think I’m over it. I’m over the heartbreak and all the- _You know_ … And I want to be friends.”  
  
She can’t even say it. Which means for a fact that she probably still isn’t completely over it, but you don’t comment on that.  
  
“Friends?”, you ask her again instead. This time _you_ cock an eyebrow.  
  
“Yes. Keep in touch sometimes. I mean, I don’t want to **not** know you. I don’t want to feel like we’re strangers and that we can’t talk to each other, when we have this massive history together… We shouldn’t ban the other from our lives, just because we didn’t work as a couple. Five years is enough healing time, isn’t it? I realized that you care for me, and I actually do care for you too, so it would be really nice…”  
  
  
To be honest you can’t imagine ever being friends with her.  
  
Just like you can’t imagine being more than friends with anyone who is not her.  
  
  
You don’t want to get close to anyone else. Laura is the closest anyone got to you. You were married to her for god’s sake. You sure as hell don’t want anyone to ever take that place. Not because you are bitter about it, but because you can’t ever be in love with anyone else like that. She has your heart. She always will hold onto that.  
  
  
“Or not! I mean, if you want to erase me and all that happened between us, and meant what you said five years ago about never wanting to see me again… That is okay too! I just thought that we both grew up...”, she is quick in intercepting your thoughts.  
  
  
“No- I don’t want to _erase_ you. I was hurt back then...”, you cannot delete her from your memories, you’ve tried, “Well… We can at least try. I would like the idea of us being able to be bigger people.”, you utter thoughtfully and the face she makes when you say that, should be enough reward for your efforts.

 

* * *

  
  
_“I’m leaving you.”_  
  
  
_Carmilla blinked._  
  
_She was dreaming._  
  
_That couldn’t be real._  
  
  
_“ **What?** ”, was her hoarse reply._  
  
_“I want a divorce.”_  
  
  
_The dark haired woman blinked again. That wasn’t supposed to go that way._  
  
  
_Carmilla finally had made time for Laura. They were out in a fancy restaurant. The blonde had demanded for them to go out and talk about an important matter. The brunette hadn’t expected that to be the topic of their conversation._  
  
_Never in a million years did she imagine that to be the topic of their night._  
  
  
_“No.”, is what Carmilla replied._  
  
_“What?”_  
  
_“No. You are **not** leaving me. You **can’t** leave me. Don’t be ridiculous. We’re happy.”_  
  
_“Carmilla, tell me in all honesty that **you** are happy in this marriage. Tell me that you think this is how it’s supposed to be. Tell me that this is what you wanted for us, when you proposed.”_  
  
_“This- We can work on it- We can-”_  
  
_“I’ve been working on it!”, Laura cried out, “I’ve been working on it for so long! And you did **nothing**! You left me hanging and that’s not what you promised me. And I’m not holding it against you that you’re focusing on yourself. I get that, I really do. Even if you don’t believe it. I get that you’re in a great place professionally in your life. You’ll be extraordinary. You already are. And I’m so endlessly proud of you, but I’m so tired. Tired on like a cellular level… I can’t anymore. I need you to understand that I can’t be with someone who doesn’t even put me in the same level as their job. I love you, but I can’t destroy myself over that for you. I am important too. And you can’t give me what I want. I wanted other things for us. But I also don’t want to hold you back.”_  
  
_“But everything between us was okay. We don’t have problems like other couples… We still have sex. We-”_  
  
_“Sex is not everything, Carmilla. And I can’t really remember the last time we had a real heart to heart conversation, can you? You’re right. We fuck or are silent whenever we spend time together, but that’s not what marriage is about.”_  
  
_“You didn’t even talk to me about this- I didn’t know you were **that** unhappy…”_  
  
_“Really? Haven’t you seen me upset all this time? Because if you seriously think that I was once happy in the last few months, you are really good at ignoring.”_  
  
_“I can change!”, there was desperation in the doctor’s voice._  
  
_“No you **can’t**. This is yet another empty promise! You always make those empty promises and I’m so sick of this. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just can’t pretend that I’m happy in this marriage anymore.”_  
  
_“This isn’t right.”, Carmilla shook her head, “People get divorced, because of affairs, and lies or, or… We- What we have… This is not **that** huge. I’m saying no. You can’t make me. I’m **not** getting divorced.”_  
  
  
_Laura exhaled deeply. She knew it wouldn’t be that easy, but she hoped that Carmilla loved her enough to understand in due time._  
  
_To slowly come in terms with that. To slowly admit to herself that Laura was right about their marriage._

 

* * *

  
  
You are in your office in the hospital, when she texts you.  
  
**Laura** (3:41pm): _Hey Carm! You’re probably super busy, but I need your professional opinion on something concerning my dad… I am with him at his house, and he has some massive pain in his right big toe and it’s all swollen and red and I don’t know what to do. Should I call an ambulance or something? He’s being stubborn._  
  
Even though this is not your field of expertise, you know the stereotypical medical cases. So you pack up your black bag with the essentials and call out an emergency in the family to leave work. And thinking about the fact that Laura’s father technically still counts as your family warms your heart. He doesn’t hate you like you always thought he would after the divorce.  
  
**Laura** (3:44pm): _Actually, sorry to bother you! Forget that message!_  
  
You are not going to pass up an opportunity, when she clearly stated that she needs you- Maybe not in those words, but it is close enough.  
  
  
**Carmilla** (3:45pm): _I’ts okay. No worries, on my way. See you soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and also, how cool is the fact that this Laura kinda is canon now after they announced the movie?


	5. Our Massive History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.''

You arrive at Sherman’s house to find Laura already waiting on the porch for you. You get out of your car and walk around it, to get your bag from the trunk.  
  
  
“Thanks for coming here- Were you at home, when I wrote?”, is how Laura greets you, and you shake your head.  
  
“Was at work, but took off for the rest of the day. I mean, it would have been only two more hours of my 24 hour shift anyway, so…”  
  
Your ex-wife regards you with an incredulous look, “Ohmigod! Carm, I didn’t mean to-”  
  
You’re daring enough to touch her arm, “Don’t make a big deal out of it. I’m happy to help. Where is he?”  
  
“Inside... Do you want some coffee or tea maybe?”, she asks you out of courtesy, while you step onto the porch to be on her level, and shake your head, “Okay then... Dad’s been sitting in his chair all morning.”  
  
Laura gestures into the house and you follow her lead into the home you once were so very familiar with.  
  
  
A lot has changed. There are new picture frames piled up on the dresser in the anteroom.  
  
Pictures that show Laura in different locations with her dad. She must have spent a lot of time with him after the divorce.  
  
It figures, because he is all she was left with, when _that_ happened.  
  
  
“Laur, why didn’t you call my GP? Why did you bother Carmilla?”, is what Sherman complains about, when he sees you.  
  
You look back to your ex-wife who is watching from a position behind you, and has her arms crossed in front of her.  
  
“I’m sorry- I couldn’t think of _anyone_ else…”, she blushes about that fact and you take great pride in that. Though you don’t try to store that away as something significant.  
  
“It’s okay. Laura here saved me from a lot of paperwork… Having completed residency left me with more responsibility, which also means a ton of bureaucracy to my misfortune.”, you explain, after turning your attention to your ex-father-in-law.  
  
“I heard that you completed the programme in only four years? That’s impressive! Laura’s been raving about you.”  
  
“ **DAD!!!** ”, you hear said woman behind you and you don’t turn around so that she won’t see your smirk, but Sherman does, and he mirrors your expression.  
  
  
Oh yes, _this_ is why you always liked him.  
  
There is a mutual understanding between you two.  
  
  
  
“Sherman, do you still eat a lot of red meat?”, you ask in your strict doctor voice after examining his toe, and see him sighing.  
  
“It’s the good meat!”  
  
“It’s the thing making you have this severe attack of gout.”  
  
“Ugh. Gout? But that’s an old man’s disease. Am I _that_ old already?”  
  
You chuckle at his antics and get out your prescription pad.  
  
“I’m not allowed to write you a prescription for more than one pack of Indocin as a cardio specialist… But _this_ will do for now. Take those pills twice a day for the swelling and the pain and then contact your physician as soon as you can. He or she will tell you how to proceed further.”, you hand over a piece of paper and Sherman nods thankfully.  
  
  
“You are a lifesaver. First my daughter, and now me… I think we should see that as a sign.”  
  
“ **Dad.** ”, Laura gives her father a pointed look, “We are going to thank Carmilla and not make weird and uncomfortable comments about the past here, okay?”  
  
“Laura-”, he tries.  
  
  
“I’m gonna show you out, Carm.”, she says with another glare directed at her father and you follow her with a nod.  
  
  
“Take care, Sir.”  
  
“Thank you, Carmilla.”, Sherman says and smiles apologetically.

 

* * *

  
  
_“Dr. Karnstein, I was sent here to tell you that your wife is here. You can find her in your office when you’re done.”, the nurse told Carmilla during a surgery, when she was just about to place her first stent in the arteria coronaria sinistra of a patient’s heart._  
  
_“Thank you.”_  
  
  
  
_“What, you’re gonna hunt me down while I work now?”, Carmilla walked into her office after having finished._  
  
_Laura turned to where her wife was staring her down from, “Yeah, well. If you’re not willing to come home like the coward you are, I have to. Don’t I?”_  
  
_“ **I’m** the coward now? Who wants to run away Laura?”, just then Carmilla saw the big envelope in Laura’s hand. It spurred her anger on. (Or maybe it was hurt?)_  
  
_“I’m **not** running. I have waited. I have waited for so many months for you to come forth. For you to start a conversation with me about us. For you to fucking get your shit together and fight for us. Fight for **me**. But **nothing** ever came. I can’t handle this anymore, Carmilla. I can’t be married to you anymore.”_  
  
_“Well, but I do have a say in this. I am one half of us, aren’t I?”_  
  
_Laura licked her lips, “Yes, and **I** am the other. You can’t force yourself on me. What do you hope to accomplish?”_  
  
_“Do you **not** love me anymore? Is **that** the problem? Are you fucking someone else?”_  
  
_The blonde expected something like that. Their last few conversations went similarly. Except Carmilla always found an easy out to her workplace. This time Laura was the one at advantage._  
  
_“If I were sleeping with someone else, Carmilla, I’d have left so much sooner.”, the blonde snorted, “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have waited for so long.”_  
  
_“Yeah right. Now **I** am the bad guy, huh? **You** wanna divorce **me** , but paint **me** out to be the one at fault? I don’t want this Laura. I’m **not** signing those papers, no matter how many you send into my office or force on me personally!”_  
  
_“Carmilla, when we got married, I wasn’t expecting you to turn into a workaholic. I thought you’d always make the time for us, because you always treasured time with me. We were a couple like that. I didn’t marry an arrogant bitch that doesn’t even have time for her wife. I can’t do this anymore. I’m leaving you. And you need to get that into your head.”_

 

* * *

  
  
“I’m sorry for… Him being- It’s infuriating that he still is hung up on the past.”, Laura tells you once you have stored away your bag in your trunk, leaning coolly against your car.  
  
“Ah, well. I can’t really blame him. I mean, I am a good catch.”, you say smugly.  
  
Laura narrows her eyes skeptically, but you see the smile forming on her lips, “You were wrong about what you told me in the hospital. You didn’t change that drastically. Some things still are the same.”  
  
It wasn’t meant to hurt you, you know that. However it doesn’t fail to do so.  
  
You clear your throat, and try to act unaffected, “But you still talk about me a lot as it seems.”  
  
“Well of course! I mean, we haven’t seen each other in _ages_ , and now I know all these new things about you… And I’ve been…”, Laura blushes and it’s so fun to see her like this, “This is not like you think at all!”  
  
“What do I think, Laura?”, you know that she always liked the way you said her name. So you do that. _You say it differently_ , is what she would tell you. And it still seems to do the trick.  
  
  
“I don’t know…”, she drives her hand through her thick locks, and tucks away some hair behind her ear. You have to swallow. Her beauty will never cease to amaze you.  
  
And then there is this moment.  
  
You both lock eyes and you see her lips moving in sync with yours. Both parties trying to say something, but then stopping when realizing the other one wants to say something too.  
  
And you both fall silent after.  
  
But there is magic in the air, and sunshine on her skin and you stop thinking for a moment.  
  
  
“You should drive home, Carm. Get some rest.”, she tells you.  
  
And you are inclined to believe that that wasn’t what she was about to say before.  
  
However you don’t dwell on it, because you clearly can be wrong in so many ways about her.  
  
  
“Don’t be a stranger, professor Hollis.”, you cock your head towards her with a wink, before she backs away so that you can climb into your car’s driver’s seat.

 

* * *

  
  
_Laura was naked in her bedroom, in midst of putting on a top, when Carmilla walked in. The blonde didn’t even try to cover herself up as fast as she could. It was a game that they were playing. And this time Laura thought she was winning._  
  
_Carmilla almost pounced on her, digging her nails into her wife’s skin on her back, pinning her to the dresser roughly._  
  
_The teacher didn’t even flinch. As if she was expecting it._  
  
  
_“Are you gonna sign?”, Laura asked in a whisper, when turning in Carmilla’s embrace, so that she was facing her. Completely naked._  
  
_The dark haired woman raked her eyes over her exposed body._  
  
_“ **No.** ”, Carmilla answered and captured Laura’s lips in an aggressive kiss. It was messy and left both with shortage of breath, “We are **not** getting divorced.”_  
  
_Laura shoved her away, “Then **this** can’t happen.”_  
  
_“ **What the** -”, the doctor approached her wife again, “This is contradicting and really twisted, Laura. Why would you wanna kiss me, if I were to sign our divorce papers? That doesn’t make sense.”_  
  
_The blonde shrugged, and picked up her top from where it had fallen onto the floor and put it on._  
  
_“A lot of things don’t make sense, Carmilla.”_  
  
  
_“You’re still attracted to me. Admit it.”, as if it was a new revelation to the surgeon to-be._  
  
_Laura sighed, “Yeah, I still think about fucking you. And about how you fuck me. Is that what you want to hear? Are you happy now?”_  
  
_Carmilla nodded and got closer, standing in the blonde’s personal space, “Why do you want to leave me then?”_  
  
  
_That conversation was all different kinds of wrong._  
  
  
_“Because you aren’t good at **anything** else besides fucking.”_  
  
_That felt like a slap to her face, but Carmilla wasn’t going to back down from that. She wasn’t going to cave in and show Laura how much that hurt. Instead she did what she apparently could do best._  
  
_“Take off that stupid top.”, Carmilla commanded strictly and Laura could only comply._  
  
  
  
  
_Laura woke up in the morning, naked, and with signed divorce papers on her nightstand._  
  
_And she didn’t stop crying until the next day._

 

* * *

  
  
When September rolls around and you congratulate her on her thirtieth birthday and send flowers (daisies to be precise) to the address her father gave you, she invites you to her party.  
  
You have to work on that day, but you promise her to come by her home some other time.  
  
  
Once that day has arrived, and you find yourself in an apartment you never have been to, you cannot help yourself but check Laura’s place out.  
  
She got herself one of those nice uptown flats with a good view and a secure neighborhood. You’re sure rent for that place is horrendous, which makes you all the more proud, because she seems to be great financially.  
  
Back when Laura filed for divorce, you made sure to save her the trouble of transferring your debts onto her. You couldn’t even offer her half of your money back then, because you truly had no money. The house you bought for the two of you was on mortgage and you still owed the bank money for medschool. You couldn’t offer her anything.  
  
Now the financial situation looks better for the both of you apparently.  
  
  
“Here.”, Laura startles you, just as you’re about to look through some photos on a wall.  
  
She hands you over a glass filled with water. The one you asked for (maybe you are a little nervous).  
  
  
Laura stares at you for quite some time, until you ask her why she is. And it strikes up an heated argument.  
  
  
“I’m just really happy that we can be friends.”, she shrugs and you think about it, before plopping down on her couch. Laura follows you and curls up on the other end of the sofa.  
  
“I don’t really get why though.”, you admit, “I mean- Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you happy about this development, and I’m really content doing this… But why do you want to be friends with me, Laura?”  
  
“Because we share history.”  
  
“Well, thinking about that history is painful. What do you gain from being friends with the woman you hate?”, you scoff.  
  
“I never hated you... And you don’t know how much I worked on myself since we... _Separated_. Clean slate, Carm.”, Laura tells you and suddenly something shifts. Your anger becomes hurt, and your feelings threaten to explode on the instant.  
  
  
You really try hard not to cry, when you finally explain to her how it was for you.  
  
  
“Do you know what _I_ did, when you left? How I felt? When I finally came home after staying weeks at my sisters’ to find you gone? Knowing that when I would eventually return, you would have moved out by then? Vanished. Out of my life? Or when I found half of the dresser empty? When your favorite pillow on the couch was gone? When I found your nightstand’s drawers open? When I saw how meticulously you had emptied the desk I bought you in your study? I couldn’t sleep in our bed for months, Laura. I went to work and that was about it. When you left, you left me broken. Don’t think that just because back then I handled my life differently that I didn’t care. Don’t think that you did me a favor by divorcing me. I’m not saying that it wasn’t right. _You_ had every right to choose not to be with me anymore, but now in retrospect, you **did** break my heart. And I can’t hold it against you, because I also broke yours, but I wasn’t better off, like you may think. I didn’t finish the surgery programme in such short time just because you weren’t there to distract me. I finished it so quickly, because work became the only thing to distract myself from the pain and void I felt inside me, when you left.”  
  
  
You swallow down the big lump in your throat, your tears threatening to spill, but you hold them back. Instead you shake your head, and stand up.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I can’t be here right now.”, you apologize and walk out of her door.


	6. Letting You In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Laura gets ahold of your hand and turns you around to meet her eyes. To see how you break down in front of her.

She is the only person in the world who you showed your vulnerable side to. And she knows that.  
  
“Laura, I can’t- I _need_ to go-”  
  
But of course she interrupts. That is nothing new.  
  
“Please **don’t.** Don’t walk away now. Please don’t say something like that and then run, because dealing with it is so much more hurtful than admitting to what you feel. Please don’t suppress all the negative feelings towards me, just because you have the need to make me feel better, because for all I know, I made mistakes too.”, that last sentence makes you look up to her.  
  
Laura smiles sadly, and continues, “Carmilla… I unfortunately _can’t_ and _won’t_ tell you that I think that the divorce was the wrong decision.”  
  
“I never said it was. I may have needed time to see it, but you were right. Our relationship wasn’t ideal anymore.”, you reply instantly, and it clearly takes her by surprise.  
  
“Okay… But I need to apologize for the way I treated you back then. At first you have to understand though that you didn’t give me anything to work with. Telling you things the usual way never worked. Talking to you never played out well, and I got frustrated. And let my frustration out on you, because back then it felt like you were trying _so_ hard to defy anything I said.”  
  
  
“Why are you doing this?”, you ask her out of the blue.  
  
Laura frowns, “Doing **what**?”  
  
“Digging up the past? I thought you were over it? What good is it to talk about our past mistakes now?”  
  
“Because I need to understand _your_ side too. I had no idea that there was so much to it. And when you talked about me hating you… I’m inclined to believe now that _you_ still resent _me_.”  
  
  
And that’s the second dam that breaks on that day.  
  
  
“ **Of course I resent you!** I resent you for making me so fucking weak! I resent you for being able to still get under my skin! I resent you for incorporating all the good I had in my life, and at the same time being the only thing in my life that can break me so completely- I resent you for making me feel, when all I want to do is _not care_. Because at the end of the day I can act as unaffected as I like, but I care _so much_ , Laura. And I feel _so much_ , and you have no idea -no fucking idea- what it does to me every day. And I have to live with _this_. I have to live with all the regret!”  
  
  
Laura has her brows furrowed, her expression kind and apologetic, and you want to tell her that it’s okay. Apologize.  
That you can see over it. Because you truly want her to be happy. That has always been your motivation and you were okay with being the guilty one.  
You were okay with being the patsy. You were okay with her friends talking about how she deserved someone better. Because you always just wanted to see her happy.  
  
  
And something shifts again, when Laura steps closer. Eyebrows still twisted in deep concentration, as she traces the features of your face with her eyes. And you know that she’s doing that, because you have been doing that a lot recently whenever you saw her (not that it was _that_ often). But you know what you always thought, when you did that and this doesn’t fit to the situation. Because Laura should be upset about what you just said. If she wasn’t before, now she should be. Because you attacked her in some way.  
  
  
But there is tenderness in her eyes and something you never thought you’d see again.  
  
However you don’t get as far as analyzing it, because Laura takes the last step towards you and you find her kissing you.  
  
And you should be feeling like coming home, because the love of your life is currently kissing you. It is gentle and you almost don’t recognize her lips.  
  
  
You should be relishing in this.  
  
Except you **can’t**.  
  
You thought you would be the happiest person on earth, if that were ever to happen again, but you can’t give that to her.  
  
  
Not like this.  
  
Maybe not ever again.  
  
You don’t trust the two of you.  
  
  
Because the feeling of her leaving you still is the most prominent thing in the back of your mind whenever you see her.  
  
  
So you do the most logical thing: You push her away gently.  
  
Her questioning eyes find yours, and you give her a rueful smile.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, but **I can’t.** ”  
  
  
And this time when you back away -still facing her- you know that she won’t follow you, because Laura doesn’t handle rejection well.

 

* * *

  
  
_The lawyers went over some little details, before the finality of their divorce was settled._  
  
_Laura tried desperately to catch Carmilla’s eyes locking with hers, but the brunette had remained silent and non involved in the whole sitting. Not once had she looked up to regard her ex-lover with a look._  
  
_The blonde didn’t know why, but she was slowly starting to feel like it had been a bad decision. The wrong decision. Seeing Carmilla like this -so small and voiceless- was tearing on her heart. Laura could clearly see that she didn’t want this. However then the teacher reminded herself that she was doing the right thing._  
  
_Carmilla couldn’t be happy fighting with her wife whenever she was home, and Laura simply couldn’t be with someone who was never around._  
  
_Even though it was the love of her life, even though she thought she had chosen wisely, back when she had said ‘yes’._  
  
  
_Things weren’t supposed to go that way._  
  
_Laura had planned their life to go very, very differently._  
  
  
_“Alright. Miss Hollis-Karnstein and Dr. Karnstein are hereby officially divorced people.”, Carmilla’s **very** tactful lawyer said and Laura tried once again to catch her now ex-wife looking at her._  
  
_The dark haired woman though fiddled with the lapels of her white coat (yes, they had gone through the divorce in the hospital, because miraculously Carmilla never had time to go to the lawyer’s office). Maybe it had been her last straw to hold onto, but it didn’t last very long._  
  
  
_“Is this fun ride over now?”, Carmilla asked plainly. She wasn’t showing any emotion._  
  
_“Yes.”, her lawyer affirmed her, and the dark haired woman stood up and walked away._  
  
  
_Laura following her to coax the last bit of closure from her…_

 

* * *

  
  
You don’t see Laura for two months after the last time you spoke. _The last time you kissed._  
  
Which still plays in the back of your head. Maybe you dreamt all of that?  
  
  
However you grow alert, when you see the name Sherman Hollis in the admittance list of the hospital, when browsing for your patient files in the intranet.  
  
  
  
  
“Why can’t you take care of yourself better? You are all I have left! Don’t you understand?”, you hear Laura’s voice cracking and it breaks your heart once you walk into the ER to where Sherman is supposed to be.  
  
“Laur, honey, I don’t mean to- And this isn’t such a big deal.”  
  
“I _can’t_ lose you.”, she whispers, and just in that moment emerges from behind the curtain that is supposed to divide the individual patients, providing pseudo-privacy, to run into you.  
  
You stabilize her with your hands on her shoulders, but her eyes grow wide and she backs away.  
  
  
“Uhm- Hi! I-Uh- Need coffee.”, is how she escapes and you don’t question it for a second.  
  
  
Instead you join Sherman and find him yet again with a swollen big toe. You can’t help but sigh.  
  
  
“Oh did she call you in again? My daughter is a smart cookie, but I don’t understand why she always calls in cardio, when I’m having orthopedic problems.”  
  
You chuckle, “She didn’t call me in. Laura and I haven’t really talked lately…”, you don’t know why you tell him that bit of information.  
  
Maybe to have him know right away that there is nothing to hope for between the two of you.  
  
“But she is right, Sherman. You **are** all that she is left with. You can’t be so careless about yourself. Look out for yourself. If anything, do it for _her_.”  
  
  
He gives you an unimpressed look, “Well that’s what **you** were here for. You were supposed to be here for her when I’m not around anymore. Do you remember what I told you, when you asked me for her hand?”  
  
You can’t help, but breathe in sharply. He is the biggest fan of you two together and it’s so hurtful sometimes, but you always just act unaffected whenever he brings up the topic. This time though it hits you in the right spot. Especially since you had that talk and that kiss to think about.  
  
“I told you that you were the _only_ girl that I ever trusted enough to take care of her properly. Sometimes even more than I can, because you know… I’m not some hotshot doctor or whatever- And you promised that you would make her happy and that you always would be there for her.”  
  
  
“And I broke all of those promises.”  
  
Sherman purses his lips, “Well yes you did, but it’s never too late.”  
  
Okay that’s it, “It is for us. We tried in the past and we failed. Not everything in life is fixable. Laura and I are completely different people now.”  
  
“Maybe that’s the key essence?”  
  
You sigh loudly and are relieved when the ER doctor comes in right in that moment to ask about Sherman’s afflictions.  
  
  
Just when you’re about to leave them alone, you hear his voice again, “She’s still in love with you.”

 

* * *

  
  
_“Carmilla, do you seriously want to part like this?”, Laura asked her ex-lover._  
  
_The brunette clenched her jaw, “ **You** wanted it like this.”_  
  
_“I never wanted us to be these bitter people that can’t even look each other in the eye.”_  
  
_Challenging Carmilla backfired almost always._  
  
_She locked eyes with the blonde, her stare was so hollow that Laura wanted to throw up._  
  
  
_“And **I** never wanted us to separate in the first place, but hey! **You** got what you wanted. You can go on, change your last name again and live on happily- The world is yours Laura. It’s yours, but I **cannot** be a part of it. You wanted a divorce. So act like it. Stick to it.”_  
  
_“Does this mean you never want to see me again?”_  
  
_“Yes!”, was Carmilla’s harsh reply, “I fucking don’t care what you will do from now on. Because you made me sign a document that states that from now on it is none of my fucking business what you do- So yeah, I actually **don’t** want to look at your face and be reminded of all the awful things I now connect to you and your name.”  
  
__After that was said, the dark haired woman composed herself. She wanted to give Laura that last bit of closure._  
  
_The blonde -still in shock- answered sadly, “I understand, Carmilla. I’m sorry. Have a nice life.”_  
  
  
_“You too. I wish you all the best **wherever** , with **whomever** it is. **Really**_. _I’m... I’m sorry it wasn’t me. And that you wasted your time with me.”_ , _the dark haired woman spoke much softer, and Laura wanted to tell Carmilla that she was wrong about that last part, but the brunette’s pager beeped and she excused herself and ran off.  
  
  
And they were destined to meet five years later due to a tragic accident...  
_

 

* * *

   
  
You see her hunched over her knees, her hair a mess and her shoes untied. She must have been in a hurry, when coming to the hospital.  
  
  
“Hey.”  
  
  
Laura raises her head to look at you through her lashes, her pink lips shimmering with the tears that made her whole face wet. You didn’t know that she was crying. You quickly offer her a hand and make sure no one sees you, when you lead her into your office.  
  
  
“Are you alright?”, you ask, concerned about the fact that she apparently can’t stop crying.  
  
She only shakes her head and you have to wrap her up in a bone-crushing, never-ending hug, because those things say _‘I’m here for you’_ the best. Even though you don’t know what that even means when it comes to her, because your relationship is complicated. And cannot be dealt with simple explanations of what is okay or what is not.  
  
  
You let her cry into the crook of your neck for what seems like hours, until she pulls back with a sniff and lets out a watery laugh.  
  
“I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I know that my dad’s not dying or anything- It’s just-”  
  
“You’re worried. I get that.”, you offer with a shrug and she nods.  
  
  
“It’s good to see you.”, Laura says after she calms down a bit. And you give her a small smile. Seems like that’s her standard sentence when coming to the hospital.  
  
You wipe away her tears with your left hand and offer her the tissue box that has been sitting on your desk, when you lead her to the visitor’s chair and silently gesture her to sit down.  
  
It’s awkward, the way you shove your hands into your lab coat and just simply stare down at her.  
  
And you think you are ridiculous for finding her beautiful when she cried five minutes prior to now.  
  
  
  
“We should talk.”, you finally mumble.  
  
Laura swallows and sniffs, “What about?”  
  
You open your mouth twice, her eyes following your nervous pacing around your desk, until you decide to sit on your desk in front of her, giving her all the attention, and simultaneously demanding it back from her.  
  
“About what happened two months ago.”  
  
Laura bites her lip and you want to tell her that she has to stop, but she does on her own accord.  
  
  
“Do we?”, she asks, now her voice is free from cracking.  
  
It’s actually pretty steady right now. It’s her calm teacher voice.  
  
“I don’t know. I was going to ask you what that kiss was.”  
  
“I was just caught up in a moment. It was **nothing.** ”, it stings, but you are actually not really surprised. You expected it to be nothing.  
  
You nod slowly, “Okay then.”  
  
  
“That’s it?”, she asks you incredulously, and you don’t know where that reaction comes from. She sounds angry.  
  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re gonna be satisfied with that answer?”  
  
“I accept all answers, Laura. And if it really was _nothing_ -”  
  
“Okay… Now answer me one thing, Carm. You know me pretty well, right? Did I ever kiss you, because it meant nothing to me? Do you think I can kiss you without it meaning something to me?”  
  
  
You’re quick in countering, “Then why did you just lie?”  
  
“I didn’t lie. I wanted to see how you feel about my answer, but clearly it didn’t mean anything to _you_. I mean, I knew it didn’t, when you shoved me away, but-”  
  
“The reason for _that_ is so different from what you think.”, you tell her and that shuts her up. You cannot even think about what her confession means.  
  
It is more important to you that she knows what yours means.  
  
  
Just in that moment your pager goes off. Laura closes her eyes and smiles bitterly.  
  
  
“Haven’t heard that tone for a long time. I guess you have to go save some lives.”, she chuckles darkly, but you turn it off.  
  
You know for a fact that at this hour three other colleagues from the cardio department are working.  
  
  
“You are not getting rid of me so quickly. Should I tell you how ** _I_ ** felt after that kiss?”  
  
Laura licks her lips and nods slowly, still not recovered from the fact that you just chose to elaborate your feelings over running away to safe distance.  
  
That you just seriously chose **her** over your work. Or that’s at least how you explain her reaction.  
  
  
“It was unexpected. Because of obvious reasons. The feeling of kissing you again was bittersweet.”  
  
You smirk at her while she is trying to comprehend said words. Though you need to tell her everything.  
  
“Okay... I want to be honest here, Laura. What I said before you kissed me was true. I was miserable without you. But eventually I got better. And the me resenting you part maybe was a bit dramatic... You said it yourself… You were broken too and now you’re good again. You said you’re over me. And that means you **can’t** just kiss me. Because when you kiss me...”, you try to come up with a better explanation than _‘I’m still in love with you and you kissing me makes me want to act on it, but I don’t fully trust you yet.’_ , “Even though you just said it meant _something_ to you... If it doesn’t mean _that one thing_ , **you just can’t.** ”  
  
Oh yeah, that’s _so much_ better... You want to slap yourself.  
  
  
Laura squints her eyes and her lips are curled upwards slightly, “ **That one thing?** ”  
  
“We don’t have to talk about _that_ right now... We are friends right? Let’s just try that. Remember? Clean slate, Laura.”, you mimic her words from two months ago.  
  
“Clean slate...”, she nods thoughtfully and stands up to offer you her hand.  
  
You take it and hold onto it. Your gazes meet and you get lost in her eyes for too long, before giving her a small smile and finally letting go.  
  
  
“Hey, actually… I talked about reanimation and you almost dying on my table, but did I ever tell you how I literally had your heart in my hand?”  
  
Laura’s left hand finds her chest and she looks up at you with a horrified expression.  
  
“Seriously?”  
  
You chuckle, “Mhm. Yeah.”


	7. Course of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter for this one, dearies!  
> I couldn't edit in the last few days, sorry for the delay!  
> Hope you liked it! Thanks for your lovely comments and tumblr-stop-ins!
> 
> X

You think of all the things that have happened last year.  
  
How you found yourself in a hospital bed with Carm popping out of nowhere.  
  
You had thought you were dead. Because only dead people were supposed to see the angels.  
  
  
And then one thing led to the other.  
  
  
She was in your life again.  
  
  
Though your memory of Dr. Karnstein, your wife, and this Carmilla are two different things.  
  
  
While she is competent and professional, like you imagined her to be…  
  
  
She also is caring, and takes the time. But it probably is her caring for her patients.  
You did always say that she had a knack for doing that. Too much even sometimes.  
  
  
But she cared for you on a different level.  
  
Because you two share history. You know one or two things about that.  
  
  
  
You teach history as your second subject after all.  
  
  
  
The first thing you tell your new students is how one can never escape history.  
  
How we as humans are always bound to it, no matter what it may be.  
  
  
But Carmilla is a woman of science and medicine and she needs reason.  
  
Maybe someone should tell her that love doesn’t need one. One day.

 

* * *

  
  
Carmilla accepts your father’s request to come over to your dad’s house.  
  
Finally after a little less than a year.  
  
It’s Christmas time and actually no one can resist the Hollis Christmas Feast™. But still you’re surprised that Carmilla came. With gifts.  
  
  
An expensive bottle of wine and an exquisite assortment of pralinés from Belgium.  
  
  
During dinner Carmilla steals glances from you and you two probably look like school kids trying to cover up something horrible they have done. With all the staring and her legendary smirks, but your father fortunately is oblivious to your secret conversations.  
  
  
It’s nothing anyway.  
  
You agreed on being friends.  
  
And for now it’s okay.  
  
You need to regain her trust.  
  
  
“Dinner was an absolute delight.”, Carmilla whispers into you ear, placing her hand on your arm casually while your father is in the living room lighting a fire, and waiting for you to bring in the desserts.  
  
  
“I’m glad you came.”  
  
“I’m glad you thought of inviting me.”  
  
“My dad invited you.”  
  
“He told me you wanted him to.”  
  
  
You blush a little.  
  
  
“Was I- Was that too forward? I don’t know how far I can go or not with the… I mean you spending Christmas with us…”, you trail off.  
  
“Relax, cupcake. I know your dad already, so this is not too forward at all. I love your dad.”  
  
  
It feels so warm, when she speaks like that about your father, just like when he talks about her. He loves her so much, and you sometimes envied Carmilla back in those days where the three of you would do dinners and lunches together like this one more often. Because she always seemed to get along with him on a different level.  
  
  
“And are we good?”  
  
Carmilla drops her eyes to your lips and you forget to breathe for a moment.  
  
“Of course.”, she rasps and your stomach flips and your knees turn to jelly and you’re about to lean in-  
  
  
“Laur, what is taking so long?”, your father interrupts and you two part much too quickly for him to not get the wrong ideas, when he finally walks into the kitchen.  
  
  
And you two go back to being just friends.  
  
Without talking about what might or might not have happened.

 

* * *

  
  
You don’t see Carmilla for a long time after Christmas, because she has to work some extra shifts while two of her colleagues are on vacation. And you go crazy, because she was being all flirty with you at dinner with your dad (you think) and now there is a silence again.  
  
  
And you shouldn’t be so attached to her.  
  
You thought you got it out of your system. Everything.  
  
Emotional detachment from broken marriages and horrible divorces.  
  
  
But you never talk about it with her. Instead you wait for Carm to contact you.  
  
You don’t want to force yourself on her. It’s not going to help your case.  
  
She has the power of dictating where all of this is going to go.

 

* * *

  
  
When you get a check up for your leg because of the accident in February -exactly one year after being released from the hospital- she is there. Even though she doesn’t have to.  
  
Carmilla mostly is in the background, letting the ortho guy taking a look at the scars on your thigh that never are going to fade and the x-rays that prove that you were involved in a horrible accident. You’ve been marked, and there were a lot of times when you thought about karma getting to you.  
  
  
However karma has such negative connotation to it, while the real meaning behind the word makes for the better explanation.  
  
Your actions have led you to this exact situation. With Carmilla by your side -even though just as your friend- and in your life again.  
  
And every time you think too much about it, you remind yourself that it’s good enough the way it is. Because Carmilla doesn’t hate you.

 

* * *

  
  
On Valentine’s Day you make sure to send her a bouquet of roses.  
  
_Anonymously_ of course.  
  
Carmilla doesn’t seem like it, but she loves those cheesy gestures, and when it comes to flowers she is pretty simple.  
  
It has to be **red roses**. The big ones with the soft petals and the very faint smell. You don’t even know their name, just know which ones they are.  
  
  
Which doesn’t mean that she is plain and boring. Carmilla _never_ could be boring.

 

* * *

  
  
In March, when you have off because of spring break at the university you teach at, you spend some days at your dad’s house.  
  
He’s better with controlling himself and even though he still isn’t good with cutting down most of the things he’s not supposed to eat, you see him trying.  
  
  
For you.  
  
Because he loves you.  
  
And just then you realize what love can mean.

 

* * *

  
  
You catch Carmilla leaving your father’s house one day in late April and you don’t know why it stings so much. Because you are supposed to be happy about this development. You’re supposed to feel good, because it seems like your dad finally has his second favorite daughter back.  
  
  
And you realize that you never were jealous of Carmilla getting along so well with your dad, but you were jealous that he understood her better than you did.  
  
Back then when you were that nineteen year old girl, falling endlessly in love with that broody med student.  
  
You make it your assignment to try to understand her better.

 

* * *

  
  
One day you find yourself in her office, because she asks you to go out to lunch with her. Gladly, _oh so gladly_ you do accept.  
  
Your over-excited self arrives way too early and she asks you if she can finish her paper work before heading off to wherever she wants to eat.  
  
  
“Are you okay waiting?”, Carmilla stills with her pen, averting her gaze to you.  
  
“You can finish in peace, I am in no rush.”, you tell her and she gives you a radiant smile.  
  
  
And you try to figure out, how you could have left her. Of course the rational part in your brain knows the exact reason. You know that the divorce was justified, but how could you take reason over your heart’s desire?  
  
And it’s bittersweet, just like she described it, to think that maybe you should have let her destroy you. But the thought alone is troubling. Because it was a good lecture in your life. You have matured enormously in the last few years. And maybe it is coming to use now.  
  
  
“Just a moment, sweetheart. I’m almost done.”  
  
  
It means nothing, because she used to call you _that_ back when you were not dating.  
  
In fact she called you that on your first encounter. _I’m your new roommate, sweetheart._  
  
But the term of endearment still has the ability to make your heart swell up. And it’s wrong.  
  
  
Carmilla ruffles through her hair and takes out the stethoscope you got her for her twenty-fifth birthday from the pocket in her lab coat and stands up. She sheds the coat to hang it around her chair, before she catches sight of you staring at her.  
  
  
But you don’t avert your eyes.  
  
Even though you just got caught looking.  
  
  
“What?”, she asks, as she checks her pager one last time, and then gives you her full attention.  
  
“I just like looking at you, when you’re in your element.”  
  
“You always had it for the white coat.”, Carmilla smirks.  
  
“No I always had it for **you** in a white coat.”, you clarify and clearly her reaction lets you know that you took her by surprise with that statement.  
  
“Uhm- We can go now.”, she utters rather flustered and you feel the pride settle in.  
  
  
Smooth Hollis. So smooth. And so friendly.

 

* * *

  
  
One day in early June you are at her house, because she invites you over and you spend the whole afternoon talking about your students. Carmilla listens to you intently and asks you questions. She is interested in your life. Which is a new revelation for you.  
  
Seven years ago, all you ever talked about was her work, because she was the one with the badass profession and you were plainly a high school teacher. Now you can talk about more interesting things, now you are on the same level as her -or at least you feel like you can compare to her. You feel like you have earned her attention towards you, because you have one more degree now.  
  
It is stupid, and Carmilla would probably tell you you were being ridiculous, but still that was one factor playing in the back of your head. The fact that you couldn’t keep up with her. You were always proud of her, no question.  
  
However there has always been a part in you that thought she could do better than to only settle for you. That was also the reason for why you waited so long to give in to her advances. You always thought she wasn’t being serious about it. What did someone like her want to do with you?  
  
  
  
When you go through some things on her shelf in the living room, you catch sight of two familiar leather-bound books.  
  
Except they aren’t books. Those are your wedding albums. Neatly stored away in a back corner, where most people wouldn’t notice, but you recognize that gold pattern on their backs.  
  
  
  
“You still have our wedding albums?”, you ask her once she comes back from the bathroom and she squirms under your gaze.  
  
“I- I still have everything. I like looking at the pictures from time to time.”  
  
  
  
It breaks your heart to picture Carmilla all alone, going through the photos that show a happier version of the both of you. There is a reason you left those memories behind. Not only because you felt like you didn’t deserve taking the albums with you, but also because you wouldn’t be able to look at them anyway.  
  
  
  
“You asked me some months ago what I gain from being friends with you… That you should only be a ghost to me that haunts me, and that you don’t understand why I was deliberately putting up with the one person that once broke my heart. But why do _you_ look at our wedding pictures then? What about it is not the same? Why do you break your own heart on purpose?”  
  
Carmilla closes her eyes for a second.  
  
“Because I feel better, when I see you like that. How happy you were back then. How I was the reason for your happiness and not the bitterness. That’s why it’s different.”  
  
  
“Carm…”, you start, but you can’t finish. It always comes back to that.  
  
“Hmn?”, she tilts her head to the side and her eyes seem to take you in.  
  
But you can’t tell her.  
  
  
“Uhm- Nothing. I- uh… I was gonna ask, if I can borrow them…?”  
  
  
Carm blinks, as if she was expecting something else, but approaches the shelf anyway to retrieve the albums.  
  
She gives them to you, “Here… You can have them for as long as you want...”

 

You sit down and let your fingers glide over the leather, when you hear her voice again, “It’s strange isn’t it?”  
  
“What is?”, you cast her a questioning look.  
  
“That it happened almost exactly 7 years ago. It’s the ninth of June today. We got married on June 12.”

  
“You remember that…?”, you ask.  
  
Carmilla almost seems offended, “Of course I remember!”  
  
  
And you know why it hurts you so much to hear that now.  
  
Because there was a time when it wasn’t so crystal clear that she did.

 

* * *

  
  
Carmilla of course is right.  
  
It is so different to look at the wedding photos.  
  
Seven years later.  
  
The first seven years of a marriage are supposed to be the hardest. It’s a pity that you two didn’t get the chance to explore it.  
  
That it didn’t last.  
  
Looking at the memories of your wedding day makes you tear up. You never thought that it would end so soon.  
  
The Carmilla and Laura you see on those pictures don’t have any idea of where their relationship is going.  
  
  
You are not them anymore.  
  
You are not young and foolish anymore.  
  
You have grown. You have learned. You have expanded. You have matured from it.  
  
  
You carefully untuck a picture of you two at your first dance as wives from its designated place and put it away in your favorite book as a bookmark. You hope Carmilla doesn’t mind that you keep it.  
  
It wouldn’t be fair to keep the albums you left with her. So you keep a small part of that day.  
  
  
The way Carmilla looks at you on those pictures… You will never get enough of that.  
  
She doesn’t look at you like that anymore.  
  
  
Nowadays she wears a small smile and talks passionately about her work, is polite enough to ask you about yours and you grow impatient.  
  
You want more, but you feel like you don’t deserve it. Not after what you did to her. Even though you had reason.  
  
  
So you don’t tell her.  
  
You settle on never telling her.

 

* * *

  
  
“Did you look through all of them?”, Carmilla asks you, when you return the albums.  
  
“Yeah… It’s surreal now. That all of that happened. I mean… We know each other for eleven years now. We’ve been living together in university, we’ve been dating three years before we got engaged… We’ve been married for two years…”  
  
Carmilla sighs, “I know. It’s a lifetime.”  
  
  
“Do you-”, you groan, because there is absolutely no way you can ask her that. Both for _your_ sake and for the fact that _she_ **doesn’t** have to tell you, if she doesn’t want to.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Are you seeing someone at the moment?”  
  
“You mean relationship-wise?”, she asks.  
  
“Yeah, the romantic kind.”  
  
Carmilla shakes her head with a laugh, “When would I have the time for that?”  
  
  
“Carmilla, I met you when you were in third year of medschool. Plus you don’t seem _that_ busy at the moment. I mean… I am currently sitting with you at your house… You do have the free time.”  
  
  
Her expression changes into something more calm and guarded, “I just don’t feel like it. I can’t…”  
  
When she doesn’t continue, you give her an encouraging look, “You can’t **what**?”  
  
She folds her hands, and props up her elbows on her thighs to lean her head forwards.  
  
  
“When I got married to you… That was it. I don’t ever want to get married again. So why give someone hope that I am available like that for them? You said something that stuck with me, when we first spoke about marriage.”  
  
  
“Marriage is a one time thing. You commit yourself to that person for the rest of your life.”, you recall that day vividly.  
  
  
“Yeah.”

 

* * *

  
  
One day you go to her place unannounced. You know she has off.  
  
  
Every time you pull up in front of her house, you see ghosts of the two of you.  
  
  
You see yourself kissing her in front of the house, not minding anything or anyone at all. You see her in your study, trying to distract you from preparing for classes. Carmilla comes home and drops into bed with you, and you rub her back, because she likes that.  
  
She used to love your scrambled eggs. You both weren’t master chefs, but you had your respective meals that you could make. Your forte was breakfast. Hers was everything that involved chicken.  
  
So you see her eating with you at the dining table, helping you do the dishes -that’s something you had to ‘teach’ her- because she wasn’t one for chores. But she helped you either way, because she was so in love with you. And you were so in love with her.  
  
  
“What are you doing here?”, she greets you. Her hair is messy, so you can tell she hasn’t been awake for too long.  
  
“I don’t know… Can I come in?”  
  
“Yeah… Sure…”  
  
  
She doesn’t question you, instead you walk into the house and settle on her sofa.  
  
The one she absolutely didn’t want, because she said light grey looked dirty.  
  
But she relented, because you had your ways to convince her. **Always.**  
  
  
And it’s funny how she plops down beside you and you spend some hours together without really talking about anything.  
  
  
You try not to like it so much, but you fail.  
  
You try not to miss her so much, but you fail.  
  
You try not to think of her like that, but you fail.

 

* * *

  
  
In late July your father drives you to the hospital, because you complain to him about a cough you’ve been having for a little over a week. You tell him that it’s from your cold (that you got in the middle of freaking summer), but he’s worried for you and it’s a Sunday, so you humor him.  
  
  
What you don’t expect is Carmilla bursting into the treatment room and shooing away the doctor who was just about to ask you something.  
  
  
“This is **my** patient, I’ll handle this.”  
  
“Dr. Karnstein, how did you-”  
  
“You can leave _now_.”, Carmilla says strictly, and the other doctor really budges.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?”, she asks you once you are alone again. Her voice is so much softer when she speaks to you.  
  
“Uh nothing just-”  
  
  
Carm approaches with a worried expression on her face and starts feeling up your neck.  
  
“Your lymph nodes are how they are supposed to be. Are you having trouble breathing? Does your throat hurt? Did you cough up blood?”  
  
“What? Yes- I mean… **No** blood- God, you’re sounding like my dad. Stalker much? How did you know I was here?”  
  
“He texted me.”  
  
You sigh, “Of course he did. Calm down, Carm. It’s just a cold, maybe something bacterial- My cough’s not gone yet and my dad thought-”  
  
“Did you get antibiotics?”  
  
“Well no, I didn’t go to the doctor-”  
  
Carmilla’s eyes grow wide at your admittance, “Why the hell wouldn’t you go to a doctor? You had a surgery on your lungs little over a year ago! How the hell do you not think about going to the doctor when this could be something else??”  
  
  
You finally stop her, when you grasp at her flailing arms.  
  
  
“Would you please think rationally?”  
  
“How can I ever think rationally when it’s about you?”, she snaps.  
  
For a moment you just sit there and stare at her, but then you assure her, “I’m fine, okay?”  
  
“ **I saved you.** _We all_ worked so hard to save you and you have to appreciate it… You can’t just- You have to take better care of yourself.”  
  
“I am, Carm. I appreciate everything you did for me. I promise to treasure that.”  
  
  
And you don’t try to think of those heavy conversations you have with her.  
  
She cares for her handiwork. **Not** especially for you as her patient.  
  
That’s what you tell yourself. Because that is so much easier.

 

* * *

  
  
And it becomes a habit.  
  
That you drive over to her house whenever she’s free.  
  
And she doesn’t question you ever for that. You quickly know her work schedule by heart.  
  
  
You spend time together, sometimes order food and talk about whatever it is you two want to talk about.  
You listen to each other and it never gets boring. It never could get boring listening to her anyway.  
  
  
And you never told her.  
  
You never dared to ask her what it is you are doing.  
  
Because talking about things always backfired with Carmilla. It’s your excuse.  
  
  
You simply don’t want to ruin anything.  
  
So you repress it all the time.  
  
Until the day comes.  
  
  
  
“Carm?”  
  
“Hmn?”, she is currently chewing on her bread, crumbles sticking to her chin.  
  
  
And you have to tell her.  
  
Because she’s so gorgeous, and you’re so in love.  
  
  
  
“I think I’m still in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if you liked this one, keep your eyes peeled for the one-shot thread set in this universe.  
> If you would like me to write a scene, just hit me up! Currently I got two prompts that I liked, and that I'll post soon.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me over here: [angstfreehuman](http://angstfreehuman.tumblr.com/)  
> English is not my first, nor second language, so don't get your panties in a bunch. - Is that how you say it? LoL


End file.
